Crunch! Squish! Eww!

"Crunch, Squish, "Eww"!" has been felt/heard around this apartment quite often in the last few weeks. Millipedes have been all over. As you may or may not be aware I often catch and release insects and other critters, not because I'm concerned about their welfare but more the "squish" factor. The larger the body of the insect the ickier it is to squish em. So, when a giant tree cockroach comes sauntering into the house I am much more likely to capture it and send it outside. So, these (damn) Gungalas (millipedes) are EVERYWHERE and my feet are tattooed with imprints from their poor sad little squished bodies. Their ichor tends to stain which lasts a little over a week. The sensation of unintentionally crushing an exoskeleton with the accompanying squelch is not something I wish for anyone.

There is no real point to this post except that every stupid time I step on a stupid millipede I think, "I really need to write about this".

So I did.

Anyway, all is well, things are going good. Been busy, but busy is good.

Love ya'll

-H.

...everyone hold hands...

Today was interesting. Actually this whole week has been interesting.
This week began the yearly "asbestos refresher training". I actually enjoy taking time and getting to know all the insulators. It makes my job smoother throughout the year and they are a fun group of dudes.
Well, this year we are getting a whole new crop of asbestos insulators. They are training all week (as opposed to refresher training which is usually just a day). On Monday during my Asbestos Supervisor Refresher training the power went out in the refinery. I took that time to go and chatter with the new asbestos insulators. Talked about their concerns and spent time joking with them. It was easier talking to a room full of people in the pitch dark and I had WAY too much fun calling them on their random double standards regarding women. :)
So, today I stopped in to check on training progress and got put on the spot by the instructor--can we visit your lab?
Uh. Okay. FIELD TRIP!!!!
So I go over there and the 20 insulators follow in A YELLOW SCHOOL BUS.
Grown men. School bus.
Then they all tried to crowd into the tiny lab. I explained we were going to have to do this one at a time. I showed them all what it looks like under the microscope and it was fun. They were excited to be there. Loved learning.
Then I had to rush off to a different training session where there is one lady I want to backhand as she is snotty.
So, I'm pretty sure today is as close is I ever wanna get to being a teacher.
:)
Now remember the buddy system on your next field trip!
:D

Essential Truths of Heather

Okay, here is a bunch of crap I have had in my phone to try to flesh out into full blog postings. Obviously, that system ain't working so here you go. My insanely lame notes on my life. :)

muah!

-H.

• only if I pick at a scab in a visible location (i.e. face) will my boss or some other important official person show up as I try to staunch what immediately seems to be arterial bleeding.
• there is never enough diet coke
• there are never enough jumpring keychains. They are insanely useful and everyone should spend a dollar and get 5 at the hardware store.
• Always keep duct tape in your car. Seriously. Then, when you have no rope and someone tied something up there that isn't going to stay ~coughmattresscough~ you can fold the duct tape together and make rope and ACTUALLY tie stuff down.
• Amtrak will never stop sending me emails.

I Ain't Dead!!

Sorry, I know it's been a while. I don't have an excuse but I can honestly say I wasn't feeling overly funny or even overly happy for that matter. Thankfully I am over it. :) Turns out I had an infection I had been fighting for a while and a magical z-pack pilfered from an unauthorized source has put me back into my normal sarcastic pain in the ass happy mood. :)

Now, I am NOT suggesting anyone take non-prescribed drugs however if your choice is a slightly expired full course of antibiotics you have taken in the past with no problems or a doctors appointment in 3 weeks...well, we all make our choices.

So, what's been happening with Heather? You guessed it. Not flippin' much. I recently started a new campaign called "make some damn friends". Which surprisingly step one of such a program was "leave. my. couch". Well, let's just say, that was freakin' exhausting.

Although I do have some lovely friend prospects and I have really made myself known at a certain beer drinking pig bar. Apparently (ahahahahahaha) they thought I was really shy because I always read a book. Well, one afternoon I was all in a mood and telling stories and showing pictures and....well, uh, yeah, now they know the real me. :)

My boss is on vacation. So are a few other high up folks at the refinery. This has caused me to fully believe in magic because every single day last week SOMETHING happened. So, I think my sarcastic co-worker and myself have decided that our boss is never allowed to leave island again.

So, that's about it. The dogs are doing well, the cat keeps killing things and leaving them in the shower for me--so that's nice. I turned on the air conditioning this weekend because I had so much indoor typing to do. So all the animals are laid out in the stream of the cold-maker with serious day long napping. :)

love and hugs to everyone!

-H.

Ha!

I have found the key to happiness. Sure, I don't get another weekday off for 7 months BUT today (people--get excited), today I found at Office Max a giant tub of individually wrapped twizzlers and a box of purple pens.
~performs happy dance~
The twizzlers just make me happy because they are delicious and I haven't had a piece of licorice the whole time I've been on island (I've only seen ginormous bags of twizzlers for like $20-i couldn't commit to that many).
The purple pens make me happy cause 1. they were $2 for 12 of them and 2. They are going to make my sarcastic co-worker a little more insane. Some of my greatest joys in life are hearing him say in a shocked hissing tone, "inappropriate" at one of my horrifyingly inappropriate stories or when he stomps around the lab stating--"why are there no NORMAL-colored pens here!"

Sleep well ya'll!

Promise...

I promise, as soon any of the overly dramatic annoying horrifying stuff happening right now becomes funny I will write it up.
But let's just say due to a contractual misunderstanding I am not getting another day off for a good 7 months.
Ahhahahaha....nope. Still not funny.
Also, covered in hives again without having ingested mango....ahahahaha.....nope-itchy.
Alright. have a decent one.
-H.

Not exciting

Ok. So falling into the not related to anything I accidentally stepped on a millipede just now. Those little bastards don't hurt you or anything but they stain you.. So there's a new temp tattoo on the bottom of my left foot.
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Huh...

while just googling I typed in "what do I do if" and I realized the first auto suggestion finishes it with "if a ginger kid bites me". is this a large problem I'm unaware of?

Why cats are evil....

So. I'm a dog person. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love them. I always have. When I was 7 I brought home a full sized doberman I stole from a new neighbor (the new neighbor was underwhelmed and my mother was traumatized). More recently I've turned slavering 150lb dogs into lapdogs as well as bent laws to keep my dogs with me.
However, cats and I have never really seen eye to eye. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against cats but they've never been fond of me. Probably given my tendency to chase them around going "kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty".
So when the whole, "I live in the rainforest and holy shit there is a rat in my house a rat. a. RAT. Oh. My. GAWD and mice. Mice. oh my GAWD." problem occurred a cat seemed to be the best answer.
And it was.
Please note: Greebo (the kitty) is doing his job. Living things do not last long round these parts. Many a baby lizard have I caught and tossed outside with a whispered, "run fool! Run!!!" I'm fairly certain my dogs are still alive by sheer mass. Something the size of a pug would be killed and strung up as a warning to other dogs by this cat. (Sorry, he kinda IS that creepy)
As well as my dogs are trained is as well as this cat has me trained.
Tonight we had the following discussion:
"HUMAN!! Open my packet of wet food!"
*me enjoying a movie* "shut up Greebo"
"HUMAN!! Do it now or there will be consequences!"
*goes to take shower, hears CRASH from kitchen, goes into kitchen*
~Greebo looking smug~
*I pick up keys, safety glasses, wallet, and pen from floor*
"Human, last chance!" he meows.
Then, the little bastard twines around my open bottle of diet coke spills it, stands over it, and watches gleefully and it pours all over the counter and onto the floor.
*sighing with resignation I open a packet of food, clean the mess off the counter and floor, take a shower, and go to bed*
Game, set, and match goes to the cat. again.
~sigh~

F#«k My Life.

Soooo, guess what?
It was me. Me. I was the jackass in the meeting.
I swear--went to bed at 10pm last night. Nothing exciting. Woke up before my alarm this morning and felt well rested and awesome. But by the time I got to the work meeting I was draggin ass.
The room was super warm and it took all my concentration to stay awake. I would swear in a court of law I stayed awake, alas, according to 3 co-workers and my boss I looked like hell. And looked like I was sleeping.
Well. Shit.
The only thing I did differently was take 1/2 a sleeping pill last night.
Right. Not doing that again.
~sigh~
You get to look and feel hungover with none of the pleasant affects.
~FUSS~
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My new table...

So, with the help of my neighbor we put together a table. This allows me to eat somewhere Other than my couch. And since my couch is getting an ass-groove to rival Homer Simpsons' it is definitely time.

So, while my neighbor and I were putting together the table that Green Giant commercial came on asking "how long does it take for vegetables to lose nutrients after they're picked?". My neighbor replied, "Long before they make it to St. Croix".
He is not wrong.
:D
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I finally did something embarrassing...

and I know how much fun it is to read about embarrassing stuff I've been up to. So here I was innocently enjoying my Sunday as I watched a marathon of Law & Order when a buzzing sound caused me to look at my counter. There it was. A waspy-stripey-bee-looking-not-a-bee. Now, I am pretty sure that is not it's scientific name however as a descriptor it works.

I am not scared of bee's. I like bees...but remember, this is a 'not-a-bee'. I decided for my sense of comfort to remove the not a bee from my apartment as it appeared to be making sweet sweet love to my beverage straw. I tried to be subtle--I grasped my straw below the not-a-bee and started working my way towards the door.

This is where it all. went. wrong.

Right in front of the door the not-a-bee decided it was done raping my straw and moved on to my stripey pajama pants....apparently the pants' stripes called to the not-a-bee's stripes and he fell in LOVE. I stood stock still, waiting for him to fall out of love with the pants. Finally, what felt like an hour but in reality was about 30 seconds he flew off my pants and began darting at my face....and here is where I screeched like a banshee and ran for my stairs. I. ran. from. a. bug.

and screeched. I am not proud. My big dog, sensing danger of her master running and screaming rolled over and snored. My smaller dog, sensing the danger of his master running and screaming ran the other way.

Once I hit the stairs I looked back for the not-a-bee, there he was, snickering at me from the oatmeal container. I grabbed a shot glass and pinned him to the oatmeal container. Ha ha ha--opposable thumbs win again BIATCH! Then, I took him outside and released said not-a-bee to glorious freedom which he used to fly RIGHT AT MY FACE!! to which I screamed, threw the shot glass at not-a-bee, and ran inside slamming my door.

I'm not proud.

Next time I'm gonna squish it.