Why Communism Doesn't Work...

I'm not going to lie; a lot of me wants to be the free and easy lets all just put money in the pot and take what we need kind of person. But it turns out I'm not that. I am, instead, kind of a heartless selfish bitch. So, while part of me has always wanted to go live on a hippie commune and grow my own food the realist part of me says, yeah, but how do I pay for pizza? And you know there would be a SMACK DOWN on the first hairy-armpit that tried to steal my last slice. So, while generosity is a trait I strive for, it turns out about certain things I get snatchy and snarly:

• diet coke: do *not* take my diet coke. Do not even look at my last diet coke. I will fly over my kitchen island and smack that shit right out of your hand in a kung fu move normally only seen on television.
• netflix: If I lend you a movie; get that shit in the mail the next day. maybe 2. Because otherwise--what. the. hell. I'm paying for shit to sit at your house. gee, that's satisfying.
• books: not all books, not even most books--but I have about a dozen books that I do *not* like to lend and if you are on the list of people who are lucky enough to borrow them you better believe I am going to check up on your progress, interest, and health and well being of my book--possibly daily.
• caps/lids: I am aware that this is some fucked up shit. I am. But if I lend you something, please do not lose the cap or lid from it. I don't know why, but receiving something back without the cap/lid (you know, like the plastic thing over the spray nozzle?) completely ruins that product for me and I want to throw it away. An example of this is some dog stuff I lent someone to cure a dog owie. It was a spray bottle, it came back without the cap. I had to hide it in a cabinet. Also, my husbands man-hands overtightened the cap on a bottle of mouthwash, cracking it. I am desperately trying to use this mouthwash before I freak out and throw it all away. Yes, I *am* this nuts.

I'm sure there are more things; this is just all that came to me this morning. In case you haven't noticed, there is a slight tone to this post. In the past I have tried *so* hard to keep the posts all sweetness and light; but cripes folks...I've been here 10 months and 8 days, that's a lot of friggin sweetness and light.

So, prepare for a few sarcastic, grumpy, and probably hoo-larious postings. Because what it all comes down to is I'm me. And I sure as hell ain't all sweetness and light.

Hugs & Kisses!

-H.

Uh. so, November happened.

It just kind of hit me, I wasn't prepared, ya know. But today I just realized that it is freak'n November. Then I looked at the last time I had updated and that was LAST MONTH. Wowsa, I'm a slacker. If it makes you all feel any better I haven't been writing as much because I have been *doing* stuff.
Also, I now have a Wii; turns out that is a hell of a lot of fun. Just saying.
Let's see, having become a devoted fan of some other blogs (these things happen when you don't have tv) I know that I love the minutae of other people's lives. So, here ya go...random crap (yet again).

I am pale. Like--live in Chicago pale. I will be flying in on the 20th of this month and I *know* I am going to hear about it. I don't know how to explain any further that I live here, I am not vacationing here. There are limited amounts of time I can spend sunbathing while performing daily stuff. But, for the sake of everyone's expectations I will try to crisp myself this weekend.

Saturday night I went to a thing. Well, crap. I'm going to have to start from the beginning. You ever meet someone, someone who seems *so* happy with their life and with who they are that they are both inspiring and intimidating at the same time? That's Elizabeth. I do not have her full story but she is a lovely retired woman who is a friend of some friends and we all get along very well. She is part of a group of painters called the "Palleteers". They had an art showing saturday night. Free wine, food...and best of all--fun people.
In fact, I seem to have found my soul mates of obnoxiousness. I know, I know...a lady shouldn't be obnoixous. Here's the thing. In this world--there are assholes. You all know it. I know you do. If you are at a party or gathering and you end up trapped in a conversation with such an asshole and can't find a way out--well, you signal your friend and they rescue you. One of my friends Tabra got herself caught in such a pickle on saturday, and a group of us stared at her trying to figure out if she was stuck, or just expounding her point by waiving her arms. Turns out she was in fact stuck. whoops. So as a table we decided we needed a better signaling system. After going through a few; someone suggested whooping. You know, car alarm "whoop, whoop, whoop!" while not subtle, this certainly became h00-fucking-larious and became the theme song of the evening.
But then, then I got stuck with a lechery old italian dude who was like, "is your name Heather or Leather...bwahhahhah..how very sexual." Immediately I stared at him and sent out the call, "whooop whooop whooop!!!" and as friends started whooping along I yelled, "this is NOT a drill--Whooop, whoop!". Thankfully, this scared off the old lechery italian dude. So, I'm not sure--but this may be my new thing.

I *really* should tell ya'll about Halloween. Needless to say, I went to a party. And holy CRAP did I have fun. And in all honesty I could have used the whoop whoop a few times, but it hadn't been invented yet.

Work is going well, nothing too exciting (she says, hopefully not causing some sort of explosion by saying that).

Apartment living, well, honestly...I need a stand alone apartment. My neighbors are lovely people, I like them and their cats. But we are excessively close and share a wall, and one day I really thought if I heard Margaritaville one more time I was going to cry. But, that *did* get me up and out of the house. :) I torture them in the same manner for I have downloaded all of the Glee songs and have a tendency towards belting that out at full volume.

Dogs are doing fine, my new cat is decimating the local ecosystem and he goes in and out and has a disturbing habit where he goes out, kills a rat/mouse/lizard/elk, runs up to the screen door dragging its corpse to show me...then drags it away again. Bless his insane little ass--he still cuddles me at night. What more could I want in a cat? :) The dogs are occasionally underwhelmed with his existence.

Alrighty. This was a half-assed posting, but hey, they have to start somewhere.
Much love!
-H.

:)

Ok. There is a little ghecko on the Wendy's Drive thru sign. I find that adorable. :)

Random crap I can't make better

Okay, so at lunch today I was reading the news, then some blog updates on some of my favorite ones. Some of which have not updated in a while and I was all, *exasperated sigh* what is wrong with these people--don't they know I need lunchtime reading!! Then I had of moment of clarity where I was all, shit. I'm an ass. People read my blog for updates and I am a slacker. So, I have this list of topics in my phone that I really cannot seem to flesh out. So here they are in no particular order:

• I had gum today. It was suprisingly good. (I swear they are not all this bad) As I type this I am eating an orange. It is also suprisingly tasty.
• This island is RIDICULOUSLY small. I have no words as to the smallness. For example, one guy at work told me he was behind me in his truck at a stoplight and he left plenty of room so I could back up if I need to. Okay, first off...WTF--stop noticing me after work and secondly, I was well within safe guideline and stopped behind the line. Also, random strangers now know my name on the street. This happened occasionally in Chicago and stuff too cause I am an oversharer and will have gotten/given a life story while, for example, waiting in line at the bank. However...this place takes it almost to epic status. The standard rule of thumb is--don't ever fight with anyone or talk bad about someone cause holy hell--the island will know. I have that song, "Somebody's Watching Me" stuck in my head a lot.
• I am so addicted to diet coke it is past the point of healthy. And here, well ounce per ounce diet coke is more expensive than rum (ha ha, I totally don't know that for sure but it is very probably). I have paid up to almost $6.00 for a 12 pack and a big bottle of rum is $7.00. This island makes me wish I drank more; although in truth most of the people here fall in the category of functioning alcoholics (if we were stateside). I'm okay with that.
• The detriment of proximity: okay, this one's for the family members out there and this one is important. I am much better farther away. Seriously. If we lived in the same town we wouldn't get along nearly as well. I'm kind of abrasive, use humor to my own detriment, and cripes...sometimes I am just not nice. Just remember that when you get all lovey and missing me. I'm not all that great. :)
• This island is where electronics come to die. Seriously. I don't know if its the heat, the salt air, some sort of wacky messed up Bermuda triangle effect. Don't know, don't care. Just be aware that everything electronic is toast after a few months here.
• Most of the time I am on time to work. I have no real set start time but you know...showing up at 10 is not really encouraged. And regardless of the time you get there you are still stuck for a minimum of 8.5 hours. So, it behooves me to get here early. Additionally the earlier I get here the more I can avoid CRAZY CROSSGUARD LADY. Oh yeah, we've got a good en out west. She clearly wears a sign that says--Crossing Guard. Now, where I grew up and everywhere else I have lived a crossing guard, well, you know--they stop traffic and let folks cross. Traffic police--they direct traffic. So, this crossing guard lady, she stands in the middle of the intersection and directs traffic with the most crazy-ass'd hand gestures you have ever seen. The first time I saw her I thought she was doing an interpretive dance. As far as I can tell she blows her whistle intermittently and with no real meaning. However "jazz hands" seems to mean stop, "swishy hand circles" seems to mean wait your turn. I really don't know; sometimes I just wait til she glares at me then drive away quickly. Hey, maybe "glare" means go.
• I went all Nancy Drew on my landlord this week. Our electric bill has been going crazy; and honestly I am sick of the whole thing. But I called the electric company on the off chance that he was all behind in his bills or something. Turns out not, but I was all fired up. I'm looking for a new apartment for when my lease runs out...but this may be my best option. Don't really know. Today being friday I don't really care. I do know that the electricity seperation is not really well though out nor is it overly accurate. A lot of guesstimations are made. I also know I have not been using my a/c anymore and keeping track of the few times I turn the fan on, etc. If my bill doesn't lower significantly I am out of here.
• I hate my truck's (Bertha's) horn. On this island horn play is critical in traffic. But I don't have the timing of the darn thing down yet so I either sound insanely road-raged or I can't get her to make noise at all. It is frustrating.

Okay, so I know how lame these random tidbits of my life are and I shall promise to find other crap to write about.

Love and hugs,

Heather

Monday

Sunday.

Some days here are not so bad. ;)
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Its the little things...

This bagger wins best bagging of the year award. Seriously.
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Wednesday. Why?

Well, I'm fussy. I don't feel all that great, I'm trying to cut back on my diet coke, and today at work just kinda blew. You know, things don't work right, but then when you get them back to the office to "fix" them (aka smack them around a little) and I turn them back on and they work just fine. Freakin' annoying electronics.
I have a list of about 85 things I need to buy at kmart; and well, I am just not emotionally prepared to deal with kmart today. The last time I was at kmart I was there for 2 hours: 40 minutes of which I spent in line; 30 minutes of which I spent wandering aimlessly while they attempted to fix their "system"; and the other 50 minutes I spent trying to obtain items on my list and avoid running children. That's right, I said running children. Not that I haven't been tempted to run some of them over but I am still traumatized that at one point a child RAN FULL SPEED INTO MY CART. He almost knocked himself clean out. He looked all shocky and cry-y; I didn't know what to do. This random (mean) lady said, "oooh honey, did she run over you?" Refusing to appologize for yet another thing I didn't do I opened my mouth to object when the mother of said speedy child said, "DON'T YOU CODDLE HIM; AND HELL NO THIS NICE LADY DIDN'T RUN INTO HIM--HIS FOOL-ASS RAN INTO HER; MAYBE NOW HE WON'T RUN". On one hand this little dude totally hit hard, on the other HELLS YA! You tell 'em mother of speedy boy! This nice lady didn't do nothing wrong. darn it. So, yes. Long story short I now have to defensivly drive my shopping cart. And now you can understand why I am not yet emotionally prepared to go to kmart--it's exhausting.

was I depressed?

Everyone I know (including myself) has been depressed at one point or another throughout their lives. This weekend, I wouldn't have called myself depressed as much as coma-like. Sure, I accompolished a couple things--a load of laundry, scrubbing out the cat-box--but in general there was much couch-ville and hulu on a 10" netbook screen.
I could easily blame this move-less-ness on so many things... but being completely honest I took a weekend of 2 mental health days; and it was awesome. Of course, by the time Sunday night came around I had that dreaded sense of, "oh no, I haven't finished my homework," but in all actuality I didn't have any homework and I get that sense of dread every Sunday (damn you school homework; scarring me for life like that!).
The other thing I accomplished this weekend was cereal. I know that sentence makes no sense but keep reading. So, I read other blogs--I find some of them awesome, some of them are boring, and a good number of them just cease to exist. However, my favorite at the moment is 2birds1blog.com I find the girl named Meg hoo-larious. Well, she waxes eloquent about Kashi Go Lean Crunch a lot. Finally tempted into trying it and Sweet Baby Heyzus its delicious! In fact, that's what I ate all weekend. ALL weekend. Did I mention this has like 4, 786% (okay, exaggerating--but it's a lot) of your daily fiber needs? This all leads into:

Important Tips I Figgur'd Out Last Week

• Do not go from a crappy diet limited in fiber to eating nothing but fiber-filled cereal. This causes "issues". Issues that, while hoo-larious, cause your dogs to look at you in disgust or worse, bark loudly in response to the dog that apparently crawled up your ass and is barking for help.
• When you live on a small island with a small highway do not speed on it. If, by some evil twist of fate you do speed and get pulled over by the cops, do NOT ask them when the last time their radar was calibrated because "surely" I wasn't going that fast. It does not make them like you more. (that said, I still maintain their radar was mis-calibrated)
• No matter how lazy you are over a weekend; at some point the dogs will leap on you and make you get up. This is a reason I maintain anyone living alone needs to have a pet. Additionally I have to move around a lot more because I feel if I stay still too long my new cat will attempt to eat me, but that is a story for a different day.

People, I'm pooped.

Hey folks.
Still busy doing the quitting of one job and beginning of another while in reality doing the same darn thing. Sometimes I realize just how weird my world can be.
I normally update this thing on Sundays--but I was actually doing stuff. I am currently a lovely shade of lobster red on my shoulders from an afternoon at Sandy Point where I swam to my hearts content. Everyone remember the movie Shawshank Redemption? Yeah, that final scene was shot on the beach I was swimming off of. I live in the paradise that prisoners dream of escaping to.
Speaking of escape: I get to take a trip home over Thanksgiving; I am very excited. The one thing I have noticed about people from here going stateside--we all plan where we are going to eat. Don't get me wrong--food is plentiful and delicious here but options are limited. Also, after being at work all day after I get home it is just hard to leave again. But then--I am a total homebody. So here is a list of things that I have planned to eat so far during my Thanksgiving Midwest Tour (where I apparently plan to gain more weight than your average cruise ship passenger):


-Walker Brothers Pancake House
-JK's (local place of tasty breakfast)
-Taco Bell (don't hate--if you don't ever get it; come on you know you would want it)
-Portillos (mmmm, I want a chopped salad, fries, and a beef and cheddar croissant)
-Moon Temple (mmmm local chinese)
-Dunkin Donuts (Coffee in a super large horrible for the environment styrofoam cup and a glazed donut)
-on the way to Ohio we always get Hardee's at the rest stops. mmmmm, 43,589 calories of fat

I'm sure I will think of many more things to eat. Oh yeah, AND I will get to see my family. :) :) :)
(see? see how I was funny there? made people think I cared more about food than my family? funny huh?)
Hugs to everyone!
-H.