Why cats are evil....

So. I'm a dog person. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love them. I always have. When I was 7 I brought home a full sized doberman I stole from a new neighbor (the new neighbor was underwhelmed and my mother was traumatized). More recently I've turned slavering 150lb dogs into lapdogs as well as bent laws to keep my dogs with me.
However, cats and I have never really seen eye to eye. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against cats but they've never been fond of me. Probably given my tendency to chase them around going "kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty".
So when the whole, "I live in the rainforest and holy shit there is a rat in my house a rat. a. RAT. Oh. My. GAWD and mice. Mice. oh my GAWD." problem occurred a cat seemed to be the best answer.
And it was.
Please note: Greebo (the kitty) is doing his job. Living things do not last long round these parts. Many a baby lizard have I caught and tossed outside with a whispered, "run fool! Run!!!" I'm fairly certain my dogs are still alive by sheer mass. Something the size of a pug would be killed and strung up as a warning to other dogs by this cat. (Sorry, he kinda IS that creepy)
As well as my dogs are trained is as well as this cat has me trained.
Tonight we had the following discussion:
"HUMAN!! Open my packet of wet food!"
*me enjoying a movie* "shut up Greebo"
"HUMAN!! Do it now or there will be consequences!"
*goes to take shower, hears CRASH from kitchen, goes into kitchen*
~Greebo looking smug~
*I pick up keys, safety glasses, wallet, and pen from floor*
"Human, last chance!" he meows.
Then, the little bastard twines around my open bottle of diet coke spills it, stands over it, and watches gleefully and it pours all over the counter and onto the floor.
*sighing with resignation I open a packet of food, clean the mess off the counter and floor, take a shower, and go to bed*
Game, set, and match goes to the cat. again.
~sigh~