3-10-2010

Darn you Doctor Radio! Darn you all to heck!

Do you know I was drifting off to sleep, listening to the sounds of strangers’ medical problems. Enjoying a bit of schadenfreude on things I didn’t have, seeing if there was some new knowledge on things I did have, and feeling a little bitter at the braggarts (I lost 50lbs blah blah blah—shadddup)…

Then, it happened. That program ended—Goodbye guy in Texas with heart problems, Goodbye hypothyroid lady in Colorado, and Goodbye erectile dysfunction man in New York—I loved you all.

The next program started and filled me with a cold fear unlike any I have ever had before. All of a sudden I am sitting up in bed in the dark listening intently and all I can wonder is

ARE MY BITS FALLING OUT!!!??!??!!!

Yes, for those of you women (and men) out there I got sucked into the terrifying nightmare of vaginal, cervical, and uterine prolapse. Now, to be fair, the doctor giving the talk was very clear, concise, intelligent, and just downright good. She explained the biomechanics of how it can happen (women are made to be more elastic than men—kinda cool, but then again, kinda not), the genetic component (did any of your relatives have bits hanging out of them? Chances are you will too), and how many women have to be counseled that this is something that is not their fault (I get it—I would be wiggin’ out myself—but really, medical shit happens and since we humans are surviving well past our sell by dates these days it just looks like we are going to have to spackle ourselves together as best we can). The host of this particular show (may that melodramatic fear monger rot, and let me tell you why) had one catch phrase that she kept saying over and over and over and over and over, “…and sometimes women just feel stuff hanging between their legs…” This farkin’ sentence has got me squeezing my thighs together like a nun on a high holy day. What. The. Hell?!?! If my cervix ever falls out I surely hope I notice something is amiss before I suddenly have a new appendage just a’danglin.

So, on that charming note of new appendagry I shall leave you to enjoy the rest of your day.

Muah!

-H.

(and ladies—keep it together. *snicker*)